I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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