Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
