my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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