On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
