nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
