turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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