You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
