Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Buhtt sex?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
