Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
