I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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