PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
