if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
