Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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