Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
