My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
