When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
