I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
