i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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