I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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