Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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