My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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