Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
