Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
