i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
