So drunk its hurt
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
