i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
