You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
