I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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