she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
sex in a hospital.. check
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Come on in and take your pants off
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