I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize