She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
