yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
