Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
