I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
