1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She tied me up with her honor cords...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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