I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
