I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
