don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
