You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
