sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
