I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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