I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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