Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
