i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
