I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
