I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
