I will die if light touches me.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
