What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
