i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
