Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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