The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
